Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Suicidal Martyrs


Falling is one thing. Collapsing is another. 
 
And then now, i know how it felt; having your life footsteps away and not being able to collect it. Self-inflected pain. Cutting your skin with the same razor blade, wanting so much to stop, and then, you don't. I wished I could blame it on someone else so it all wouldn't be my fault, so I wouldn't have to add layers of hatred towards myself to that already-rotten heart. 
Hope rises in vapors and slowly condenses and the time you reach out to take it, it disappears. Not ever existing, it not ever existing, you not ever existing, would have been easier. 
Blow after blow, and you ask yourself how much longer to bear. I was that thing boxers keep on hitting for training in order not to hurt a real someone. i was designed to take the punches and slowly swallow my tongue letting it turn into venom eating up my innards and go on hushing the screams. As life flowed, mine with tat rock in the stream nobody recognized. A Martyr I kept on whispering, a martyr was what I had always recognized myself to be. And if you were not a martyr, then i'd be nothing.

16 comments:

sheri said...

there is such an unusual mix of awe and anger as i read your posts. something in me senses that you have been abused, but i hope that i am wrong. perhaps there are still places in this world where it is permissable, tolerated, or simply justified by those who commit such crimes against the innocent. i just want you to hear my heart when i say to you that i am concerned about your writings, maha. perhaps they are based on someone you know? there is just something haunting about a beautiful young woman as yourself being able to write about this kind of pain.
you know i will always stand behind you because this isn't critisism or condemnation, just the spirit within me that is reaching out to you, dear friend.

Maha said...

well, here's the thing, i am not suffering from any kind of depression or you know, anything. i am perfectly and absolutely normal. like everyone else, i have good times and bad times. So, most of the things in here are not about me, not entirely. it's sort of like, i wanna write something at the end of the day so there are these feelings you go through and let them pass, I don't, i try my best to explore them and get to their depth then write the whole thing. then, there are other times, like this one in here, when i see a person going through something and i try to impersonate him while writing and talk the way I think he'd talk.
Through my writings, my most important target is to uncover deep feelings, and the one thing I know, nothing surpasses pain in depth, that's why my stuff may come out as depressing.
Thank you Sheri for your concern, but I assure you, ther'e's totally nothing to worry about :)

THE BEATY said...

yeah to me it always seemed as though you were just a great writer at conveying relitively dark emotions. to me its not someones writing that I look at for someone It's more about their aditude towards that writing. like for you it doesn't seem to go deeper than the said writing.

Eva said...

"Not ever existing, it not ever existing, you not ever existing, would have been easier."

Anyone that has felt the effects of suicide has likely felt this before. I know I have. There are so many mixed emotions when self-inflicted harm is concerned. I read you're response to Sheri and you channel these feelings in such a remarkable way. Its a very healthy way to do it to say the least.

sheri said...

thank you for putting my heart at ease, dear maha. you have a gift for seeing into the depth of others and revealing their struggles...a voice to the many who may not be able to say a word. thank you for your kind response to my concern for you :)

Brian Miller said...

love your explanation maha...i try to do the same when i see someone or a situation and my writing spills out of it...i think it is the depth of feeling that you go to that is shocking to som and refreshing to others...

RJ said...

Well I've been there and done that, and you did a very good job at portraying emotions that are not entirely your own. I'm jealous of your talent.

steveroni said...

Maha, I really do not want to use terms like STUNNING, ASTOUNDING, when describing your talents...but those are the words that DO it, none other but like those.

I too, am glad you are not the sufferer sometimes portrayed in your posts. I really did not think so, because you seem so carefree in other postings.

God bless you. Please stay humble, knowing that your gift comes from a Higher Source.
PEACE!
S.

Magpie said...

I love, "Falling is one thing. Collapsing is another." Awesome line. There is a lot of pain here and understanding. Well done.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

I loved the part about life being only footsteps away, but you can't reach it. So heartbreaking, to have something like that so close....deep words Maha. They seem to ring in my ears.

Susan Deborah said...

"Falling is one thing. Collapsing is another" Lovely original lines, if I may say.

The advantage of being a writer is that one can probe, examine and also remain an objective onlooker. This post has all the roles and that's what makes it personal and distant :)

Joy and peace,
Susan

Tabitha Bird said...

Hey Maha. That was an awesome, if not really sad post. I recognize the person I used to be in your writing. I was that tormented soul. Thank God that is not where I am any more. I feel for your friend or who ever you based this piece on. Being in so much pain that you need to cut your own skin is a really low place to be. And it stays with you for a long time. The battle out of self harm is a long and tiring one. I wish your friend all the very best.

Mr. Stupid said...

This was well put Maha. You do a wonderful job in depicting how others feel.
Have a beautiful day...:)

The Turning Point said...

I ditto RJ. Great job of getting into the abyss with your character.

Jim

THE BEATY said...

you made it into issue 1 of my book check out post

Lu Ann said...

Ow... would it be too much saying I once was there? Probably not exactly the same but there...
And well Im glad yout writtings are not always about YOU as YOURSELF.
Then I feel free enough to tell you -again- how gifted you are.
Love reading you, really, you´re awesome.