Monday, December 28, 2009

Guiding Stars

All the roads in my way overlapped to form a big circle. No beginning. No end. I'm left with no map to guide me to the right path. I'm only supposed to walk till one day I find answers. Questions have been torturing me and I cannot control them. It's like trying to get a grip on a swarm of bees. I must find the answers. I must. I don't want to waste all my life searching. I don't want to spend all my time walking. I want to sit. I want to have a break.

I built the walls not the bridges and I'm left with only regret as my companion. I tried to climb the walls but they are too high. I brought a shovel and started digging a hole but it's dark underground and I'm afraid of getting lost, lost more than I am already. Now I'm ready to create a window for my cage, hoping that maybe one day I'll find the key to the door. Or maybe I'll be found. Maybe my savior will find it for me. But I can't wait. What if he never makes it

Oh, you are the answer to my questions. You are the key that will let me out. Dreams, guide my way. But first I must believe. I must follow the flickering star in my dark sky that will never delude me. I promise I'll follow, only when it appears.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

You Can Keep the Coat

I slammed the door of my car impatiently after being stuck in a traffic jam that held me back a whole fifteen minutes, & someone like me, could only cherish every second. Hundreds of questions kept on rambling in my mind, "What I'm doing, is it right thing?" "Should I just get back in the car and drive away?" "Why did I even answer the phone when she called?" I silenced all the voices in my head, if there was anything I was sure of, it would be that it was either now or never.

With every step I took forward, my heartbeats accelerated, till I saw her vaguely from a distance, they completely stopped. She was sitting on a bench, wearing a sweater that matched her chocolate brown hair, hugging her soft skin. Her eyes wandered everywhere but I could tell she couldn't see a thing. Her arms wrapped around her body tightly, she was cold and wanted to feel warm, she was insecure and wanted to feel safe, she was confused and wanted to be sure, and I wished to be able to give her all that.

'Here, take it", I said while holding my coat for her to wear. She was suddenly aware of my presence and looked at me with her wide innocent eyes that I always failed to resist.

She grinned and said "Thanks"

Before I had a chance to apologize for being late, she said while wearing my coat, in a still happy voice "I'm glad you came"

After I had adjusted myself beside her I said "You're glad I came, why, did you think I wouldn't?" I knew that right then I was echoing my own thoughts rather than hers.

"I don't know, but you've been behaving weirdly for a while"

"So, why did you want to meet me?' I said, wanting to change the subject.

"I'm traveling next week to France and I'm staying there for six months". Her eyes flickered and moved away from mine. She tried her best to hide a smile dancing on the edges of her lips, but I could still see it. She was not happy because she was traveling, she was happy because what she thought how that would influence me. She knew very well that I couldn't endure a day without her, never mind half a year. She was now waiting for me to jump out of my seat, take her by the hand and admit my love for her, and she would call off the flight and cancel everything. She was that much in love with me.

I tried to hide the sheer pain in my heart, tried to repress it so that it wouldn't appear on my face and betray my emotions, so that I wouldn’t lose control over myself and do what she wished.

"So, you want a drive to the airport?" I said coolly

The smile on her lips froze, she looked at me with wet eyes and a face utterly amazed.

"What" She said incredulously.

I couldn't answer her.

"Don't you have any feelings? Don't you care for me? What have I done to you to torture me like this?"

She looked like a child trying to convince his parents to buy him his favorite toy; it was only much harder, much more complicated. I didn’t know what her eyes had done to me, like I was spellbound, without even thinking about it, I moved my hands to wipe the tears streaming down her flushed cheeks. Her eyes met mine, I held her gaze for an immeasurable moment, and all I wanted to do was to be with her.

"I have to go now". I said still incapable of taking my eyes off hers.

She held my hand and said in a low, but certain voice "Don't leave me…..I'm in love with you"

Breathing was composed of two main processes, inhaling and exhaling, simple as it was, I forgot how to do it. A fierce shudder ran through my body starting from my hand, I didn't know if that was the reason, but I froze in my place, completely incapable of moving.

What should I do now, should I tell her how I want nothing out of this life more than spending my everyday with her? Should I ask her to marry me now because I didn't know how many days were left for me in this life? But no, I want her to hate me, she had to hate me. Her heart was so fragile, so tender, that knowing that my end was close, would break it in to a million pieces and the thought of me being the reason of her suffering was unendurable.

I whispered in her ears in a broken voice "Don't cry, hold on"

"So you are leaving now?", she said in a low voice, almost a whisper.



"There are things that better be left unknown"

A faint smile was drawn upon her quivering lips, it was the sort of smile that was meant to hide pain, I know it very well.

"Is, it a goodbye then?" she said, while the smile lingered on her lips and her eyes struggled to hold back tears. She emphasized on 'goodbye', as though not believing it.


Her eyes parted from mine and turned to my coat. 'Won't you take it?"

"No, you can keep the coat"

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Love Beyond Reasons

I love writing. Why? I've got no idea.

When the Romans used Cupid to symbolize love, they wanted to convey a message. The wanted to tell us that this is what Love is, a child throwing his arrows recklessly on hearts, without ever stopping to ask himself  "Why" or "When" or "How". It's beyond reason.

When you love something for particular reasons, you are connecting two pieces of cloth with strings. The strings are cut one after another by the effect of time. The bond is weakening. The bond no longer exists. But when you love something for no reason at all, the two pieces are overlapped. They are one piece. And can you ever separate something from its own self?

  I am writing and writing is me

Saturday, December 12, 2009


I'm in a car, driving at full speed, not knowing where to go, but I'm going away. 

That's good enough for me now.

You can call me a coward if you want, I'll simply not care.

Your giggles filled the room.

I wished I could be happy too.

But I couldn't.

Not when I looked through your pretenses.

Not when I heard the moan disguised in your laughter.

To see you I used my heart, not my eyes.

And I saw that you'd been in pain.


Some wounds just cut you so deep, that when the scar is no longer there, you are still internally bleeding.


Our hearts are connected with strings that no matter the distance will never be weakened.


So stop bleeding.

I am bleeding too.

And I can't run away.


Wednesday, December 9, 2009


Mistaken is he who thinks that a prison is a place where prisoners go; prisons comes in all shapes and types but the hardest of them all is when you happen to be the prison and the prisoner. If you are locked up in a room, you will scream, you will shout, you will try to break the door, but when you are trapped inside yourself, what will you do? Nothing, absolutely nothing. 

You are helpless.


When I find a trouble with seemingly no way out, I whisper to myself "Everything is gonna be alright. Remember when you were going through an even worse situation and it turned out just fine?" But then again, is that what life destined to be? A big prison that everyday you break the walls of  one cell only to enter another? Maybe. And maybe not


Yes, I'm imprisoned, but sometimes I runaway. As the pain cuts deeper through my heart i let my thoughts slip to surreality, where I can be whoever I wanna be whenever i want that to be. It's easy, but my punishment when I get back is nothing like that. I've seen myself as a thousand other people that it feels strange looking at the mirror to see myself.And then I ask, is that who I want to be? Myself. Like I had a choice! But if i had, what would it be? Who would  it be? The reflection in the mirror, or the glossy pictures in my fancies? A hard question, but I already know the answer. I'd choose myself. It's not a matter of preference as much as it is a matter of security. I know my life, but I don't know those thousand others. I have faith that God chose the best for me, but I don't have faith in my, unlike reality, perfect fancies. It still hurts, though, having to compare my real life to the surreal one. You'd tell me to completely abandon the latter and stick to the former, but i can't. It's too late.

Surreality is part of my reality.