Saturday, December 19, 2009

You Can Keep the Coat

I slammed the door of my car impatiently after being stuck in a traffic jam that held me back a whole fifteen minutes, & someone like me, could only cherish every second. Hundreds of questions kept on rambling in my mind, "What I'm doing, is it right thing?" "Should I just get back in the car and drive away?" "Why did I even answer the phone when she called?" I silenced all the voices in my head, if there was anything I was sure of, it would be that it was either now or never.

With every step I took forward, my heartbeats accelerated, till I saw her vaguely from a distance, they completely stopped. She was sitting on a bench, wearing a sweater that matched her chocolate brown hair, hugging her soft skin. Her eyes wandered everywhere but I could tell she couldn't see a thing. Her arms wrapped around her body tightly, she was cold and wanted to feel warm, she was insecure and wanted to feel safe, she was confused and wanted to be sure, and I wished to be able to give her all that.

'Here, take it", I said while holding my coat for her to wear. She was suddenly aware of my presence and looked at me with her wide innocent eyes that I always failed to resist.

She grinned and said "Thanks"

Before I had a chance to apologize for being late, she said while wearing my coat, in a still happy voice "I'm glad you came"

After I had adjusted myself beside her I said "You're glad I came, why, did you think I wouldn't?" I knew that right then I was echoing my own thoughts rather than hers.

"I don't know, but you've been behaving weirdly for a while"

"So, why did you want to meet me?' I said, wanting to change the subject.

"I'm traveling next week to France and I'm staying there for six months". Her eyes flickered and moved away from mine. She tried her best to hide a smile dancing on the edges of her lips, but I could still see it. She was not happy because she was traveling, she was happy because what she thought how that would influence me. She knew very well that I couldn't endure a day without her, never mind half a year. She was now waiting for me to jump out of my seat, take her by the hand and admit my love for her, and she would call off the flight and cancel everything. She was that much in love with me.

I tried to hide the sheer pain in my heart, tried to repress it so that it wouldn't appear on my face and betray my emotions, so that I wouldn’t lose control over myself and do what she wished.

"So, you want a drive to the airport?" I said coolly

The smile on her lips froze, she looked at me with wet eyes and a face utterly amazed.

"What" She said incredulously.

I couldn't answer her.

"Don't you have any feelings? Don't you care for me? What have I done to you to torture me like this?"

She looked like a child trying to convince his parents to buy him his favorite toy; it was only much harder, much more complicated. I didn’t know what her eyes had done to me, like I was spellbound, without even thinking about it, I moved my hands to wipe the tears streaming down her flushed cheeks. Her eyes met mine, I held her gaze for an immeasurable moment, and all I wanted to do was to be with her.

"I have to go now". I said still incapable of taking my eyes off hers.

She held my hand and said in a low, but certain voice "Don't leave me…..I'm in love with you"

Breathing was composed of two main processes, inhaling and exhaling, simple as it was, I forgot how to do it. A fierce shudder ran through my body starting from my hand, I didn't know if that was the reason, but I froze in my place, completely incapable of moving.

What should I do now, should I tell her how I want nothing out of this life more than spending my everyday with her? Should I ask her to marry me now because I didn't know how many days were left for me in this life? But no, I want her to hate me, she had to hate me. Her heart was so fragile, so tender, that knowing that my end was close, would break it in to a million pieces and the thought of me being the reason of her suffering was unendurable.

I whispered in her ears in a broken voice "Don't cry, hold on"

"So you are leaving now?", she said in a low voice, almost a whisper.



"There are things that better be left unknown"

A faint smile was drawn upon her quivering lips, it was the sort of smile that was meant to hide pain, I know it very well.

"Is, it a goodbye then?" she said, while the smile lingered on her lips and her eyes struggled to hold back tears. She emphasized on 'goodbye', as though not believing it.


Her eyes parted from mine and turned to my coat. 'Won't you take it?"

"No, you can keep the coat"


Nahla said...

so touchy :( why he left her without telling her that he loves her ?

Barry said...

Maha, you wrote this? Wow I'm honestly speechless, it's so beautifully written. I felt like I was reading a passage from a novel.

Maha said...

Oh, thanks Nahla!
He did that because he didn't want her to get attached to him.

Barry, you made my day!

Expression of the mind said...

Maha, amazing msa:). You're beautifully talented and capable of conveying sound and touching expressions. I loved it.

You're one of the few people who cause me to overcome my inability to read a full content:D.

Maha said...

I'm glad you read all of it ;)

Wessam said...

That was very well written, I loved it.

I have a thing for these little scenes.

Have a great day, Maha.

Brian Miller said...

tight heart broke...beautifully done!

Craftsman of light said...

Maha....Thankyou for the wonderful world into which you have invited me, giving me those emotions that makes me have a better understanding of myself.
i also want to thankyou for the samethings where you'd say ..." it leaves me speachless'....yes it leaves me speachless too!
to have a young and a beautiful friend, whose words are more deeper than those who have already lived experiences that took them so many years to aquire!

i also wanted to send all my wishes for this season, may your years end in wonder and may the next one begin with many beautiful surprises!

huggs to you!

Anonymous said...

I like your post above. I had a black wool coat which I wrapped around a homeless man under a bridge one winter. It was sat beside him when they found him. Coats are about possession. One of things I learnt in time was how charity destroys people. It takes ownership of their soul. It makes silent sweeping statements based in ignorance. It makes the homeless uncomfortable. It does not occur to some that one should not push an object onto someone else with impunity particularly if dignity is, in any way, made compromised.

Barry said...

Maha I'm still blown away by this piece. PLEASE keep at this, I believe you could have a promising future as a novelist if you so choose.

If you're interested, check out some vignettes I wrote for my blog: 'Saturday Morning Cafe' (Nov 26), 'Vignette' (Oct 27), and my poem 'Brooklyn' (Oct 29).

Kay said...

oh, how you have managed to tug at every core of my being with breaking...wonderful play on emotions!

Nada Ahmed said...

WOW :D. It's so sweet even though it's short but the whole thing is just beautiful and complete that is shouldn't be any longer. (applause).