Sunday, July 11, 2010

Bruises

Between every time you crashed my head against the wall and the other, there was this twinge of pain that rose at the top of my head and retreated again when you gave me time to breathe. I feigned unconsciousness so that you would leave me alone. I stopped my lungs from working until finally the door was closed.
A thousand different thoughts ran through my head. But, mostly, they were engulfing the fragile walls of desolation too strong for me to escape from. I felt the coolness of blood as it touched my flushed skin. I panted and sank into sobs, even though I felt nothing. There are these times when being is too tremendous for you to wrap your hand around it, so you let it escape the walls of the mind as a dream. Then only, the lines between reality and parallel lives become so strained with the effort of holding them each back. Eventually, it breaks, and nothing, nothing at all, stands as a boundary.
My mind swayed as a pendulum between the years and when eternity had seemed like a dream, it was only one day away. The memories fused with each other and I couldn’t tell years apart, and that made me cry even harder. I gave up remembering and went on counting numbers in my head. Still, I couldn’t stop them from recurring like fighting a flood with a ragged cloth and when you cover a hole with your thumb the water seeps through another and you then you founder. Fantasies bound to stay as thoughts were now confused with the past and I wondered, what the use of living is when all that’s left is not real. And is there a difference at all?
I heard footsteps impending. I covered my head wit the quilts and as though my thoughts were afraid of screaming, they too were silenced. Fear added extra strength to my heart that I knew the moment you start hitting me again it would totally collapse. Instead, you tenderly kissed my bruised arms. it was so vulnerable and the feeling of your lips was maximized. Then, only, I wished the repulsion in my heart would turn my hairs into knives killing you. The bruises would fade in a month, but the degradation always slaps you in the face.                                                                                                                                          
Always

18 comments:

Oddyoddyo13 said...

"There are these times when being is too tremendous for you to wrap your hand around it, so you let it escape the walls of the mind as a dream."

This was so haunting and fantastic Maha. I loved it.

THE BEATY said...

such a harrowing piece

RJ said...

I can relate to this very well. You did a good job at capturing the emotion.

Brian Miller said...

vivid and terrifying maha. makes me think of the kids that go through this time and again...and the feelings they have...ack. i do hope you conjured this in your head...

Maha said...

I wasn't really having a kid in my head Brian....it was more like an abused wife...or merely the feelings you get when you are hit by someone so close to you.

Eva said...

I wish I could say that I can't relate to this. It is a horrible thing no one should have to experience and it is all too common. You captured the feeling very well, this was intense to say the least.

Magpie said...

What a sad thing that sometimes escape isn't possible and our known evil seems less than the unknown. Very moving work, Maha.

Dulce said...

Terrible and terrifying...I hope this masterpiece of humilliation and pain and disrespectul behaviour (although no words can really get to name it) you have never experienced yourself..
We all know how it feels, as we know how it must feel losing a son, etc For that is a global female pain. But only YOU can describe it in such a way. In other words> I hate the content but love the form.

great work Maha <3

sheri said...

you are the only one i know who could write with such terror and stark truth, possibly feigning this as fiction? you will never know the depth at which you have touched my heart with your compassion, maha. every time i read you i know that you have too great of an understanding of pain. i pray that your torment will end quickly. it has given you wings to write the most beautiful and haunting works but i am afraid that the price attached to it will never fade. you have my heart, dear maha, thank you so much for reaching into me.

Maha said...

I really don't know what to say Sheri. all my things are fiction but always, I'm the main character of each and every one of them. it's like i go through something, and being discreet as I am, i change the scenes but let the feelings speak for themselves.

Felicitas said...

Maha, this is so powerful! Whether you were writing about child abuse or spousal battery, I imagine the victims feel similarly fearful, degraded and conflicted.

Brilliantly written!

Craftsman of light said...

Wow!!....Your skills have tremendously sharpened.

As a writer? you travel to capture with dexerity and philosophy the aspects we tend not to expose.
And even when we do it is difficult to get into describing and narrating the emotion as though it was your personal experiences.

My hats off to you Maha!
I think you are talented, very very talented!

::Owning the Words:: said...

Truly a powerful write. Certainly you've captured the core of abuse from the inside out with poignancy and eloquence. You did an excellent job signifying the inner angst and over-powering emotions.

THE BEATY said...

Have a new scrach board up I know you enjoyed the previous ones

Lu Ann said...

Oh Dear... again you are terribly good at capturing those emotions here on the blog.
I truly feel .... well I dont even know how I feel.
Even when it shows a lot of anger and contempt... it is awesome as always.
And u say you like my deepness? then WHAT IS THIS! this is way more than deep!!!!!


"I wondered, what the use of living is when all that’s left is not real. And is there a difference at all?" this one deserves to be written somewhere to stay forever.

By the way... who says what´s real and what´s not?

margg. said...

the emotion you capture is amazing.
i wish i could write like this.

Mr. Stupid said...

This was terrifying. I just hope nobody experiences anything this harsh. This post was vivid and captured the truth of such a horror well. Great post, Maha.

Peter Stone said...

You captured the horrific atmosphere of these situations so vividly, Maha. And the utter hypocrisy of the abuser - for they do not apologize, or repent, or make an effort to change. For in their twisted mind, they justify their actions and think these empty gestures will mend all the broken fences.