“Tick, tock”
My present is passing
As I stand here alone
Watching from a distance
Reruns of the past
Tears
Break my shields
And you slip through the holes
Making me sink in you
Drowning my soul
The scars are fading
Only me and you remain
The pain's aching
Only me and you remain.
Have I gone blind?
I cannot see a thing.
The tides are pushing me further from the shore and I cannot find any strength in my feeble arms to fight. I only move along. I am drowning, only this is no sea. I am drowning in the darkness.
A swirl of voices is surrounding me but I can make no sense out of them. A voice shouts in my ears “Keep Breathing.” Breathe? How? I want to ask but I can’t find my own voice. Over my chest there were heavy loads, mountains, am I supposed to break them to pieces? What if I couldn’t?
The voices are growing fainter and fainter till I can hear nothing at all. This is the end then? I’m so lonely….
I woke up gasping for air. My hands moved swiftly across my face making sure it was still me. While leaning back, suddenly, the blackness became white. I flinched and covered my eyes; they could not adjust well. Slowly, I moved my hand away and opened my eyes to look around. For a second I saw nothing but white. That alarmed me but soon enough shapes started forming around: a bed, a mirror and a cupboard. My room. I was still alive.
Everything started to make sense abruptly. I was having that nightmare again. It was like watching the same horror movie over and over again yet never succeed in making it to the end without screaming. What made it more horrific was the fact of it being strongly based on a waking-life experience. I turned off the light, I felt more comfortable with blindness.
It was not until I touched my face again that I’d noticed the hot liquid streaming down it coming out of my eyes. Tears. I was crying and of that, I could make no sense at all. It was not the first time. Though I had reason enough to not top crying in my every living moment, I didn’t. When the tears started welling up in my eyes, I took a deep breath and held them back. Nobody must ever see through my weakness. But that was the case with tears, you freeze them in your heart in the day and they melt down your cheeks in the night.
The tears turned in to sobs and I couldn’t stop them, I didn’t want to stop them. Slowly, I buried myself deep under the quilt till I was completely covered from head to toe. My arms were locked around my chest and I had to move them away so that the tears would melt from my heart easier. I ran out of tears. I could not cry anymore.
I shoved the liquid from my now-hot-as-coal cheeks, when it occurred me to turn on the light and head for the mirror to see how I looked like.
I flinched again but this time from the reflection. My eyes muddy-green color was now combining with a strange red. In fact, my whole face turned to different shades of red; my cheeks were dark pink and my lips were scarlet. Not wanting to see anymore, my hands reached for the switch to turn off the light and surrender to my blissful blindness. But I didn’t want this image of me to stay in my memory torturing me in the next hours. I wanted to shove it out of my head, or to at least adjust it. With slow, heavy steps, I walked to the door; I was going to wash my face.
Without having any control over myself, the moment I realized that I was not going to cry any more, that to get out of this door I had to have a tight grip over my emotions, I started weeping again. My lips pursed in to a thin line as I tried to even my breath and stop this stream and though it was very hard, I succeeded. Finally, I reached the door. A voice of another door opening broke the long silence of the night and abruptly, my hands froze on the doorknob. My heart skipped a beat at the irritating sound that both frightened and surprised me. I had no watch with me yet I knew it must have been a very late hour for anyone to be awake. But I was. Maybe I was not alone after all. I calmed down a little bit when the possibility of someone waking up to drink from the refrigerator flashed up upon my mind.
I didn’t know how long I’d spent there with my ears glued to the door trying to hear the sound of the other door closing back again, but it seemed like a long time to me. Or maybe I was just bored. Either way, I wanted to relax from my tense position. I tiptoed to my bed holding my breath.
Lying on the bed was not comfortable either as I was not going to sleep, merely waiting. I wanted to do something. With the same soundless motion, I opened the window in my room and watched the night sky.
No clouds. Too bad. Without them the sky was so dull, like a plain paper that had not a single drop of ink on it. I didn’t settle for that, my eyes scanned the sky searching for stars and my disappointment doubled when I saw not a single one. I sighed and focused my eyes on a certain spot. I imagined that the spot was my head, blank, empty. But that couldn’t be and I envied it. Who I was fooling? I could never escape misery, not for the tiniest second, not at all. It was like shouting at your echo to stop calling back at you, or pushing your legs so fast to run from your shadow. Misery was my echo and my shadow, as long as I existed, it did too. And that was why sleeping had been my favorite activity. It disconnected me from everything. But even that was not peaceful now, when the nightmare always interrupted it.
When I’d noticed the deep blue sky turning to lighter shades of the same color, I decided I waited long enough. Nobody was going to be awake now.
With one hand I pushed the door forward while I opened it with the other as to mute the sound of the door opening. I was not positive about my theory, precautions were a must. I was almost certain that the traces of tears had disappeared but the heat was still there burning my cheeks. Cold water would be great. With every step I took forward, I felt my heart hammering loudly against my chest. I was not doing anything wrong to be afraid, but I was sure that my features would give away what I had been doing for the last couple of hours and I was in no mood for faking smiles. Appearing strong and coherent was a strict rule I made for myself with no exception, not even my family.
Half way through, I heard a voice and froze as reflex reaction. I considered getting back again to my room but it was too late. I didn’t know whose voice it was and I didn’t know what it was saying. It seemed like another language, no, it seemed like there was no language at all, just strange sound that were loud enough for me to hear. My curiosity got the best of me and I went on pushing my luck praying that no one would notice me. I followed the voice.
It always amazed me how when the great mountains fell, it was so easy for the stones to shatter. Now I could understand. I stood upright no longer caring for my rule, no longer caring for anything in the world as my eyes absorbed the scene. Mum was crying.
I hurried to where she sat on the kitchen table and dragged a chair to be setting right beside her. My hand found hers and strongly held it. Endless moments of silence dragged on with me seeming to have lost the ability to form word. It was not the first time for me to see mum crying but it never failed to shake my very depth, to make me want to give up anything to stop the tears. In moments like that, I usually hid in my room escaping the painful scene, but right now I could not, not when I knew that she needed me.
In the coldest of nights, I’d go under the quilts with her hugging me tightly. The warmth in her body radiated to mine and warmed in a way that no other heavy clothes could; she warmed me from inside. Now, we were two hollow bodies touching each other; misery emptied our very depth and filled it with itself ruling over our entities.
If not for the hand touching mine, I would’ve doubted the fact of mum being aware of my presence. Her eyes stared at the same spot unseeingly for ages. Without any expectations from myself that she should change her posture, I was surprised when she moved her chair closer to my own and put her heard over my shoulder. My head towered over hers when our tears soaked my clothes. I was even more surprised when she spoke, but soon enough, that feeling was replaced by pain squeezing my stomach and ripping my heart out of my chest.
“I want my baby back,” her tired voice said.
“I miss her too, mum”
“She left without goodbye. She shouldn’t. She was so young to die”
“I know. Would it be any easier if it was me who died in that car accident, if it as she sitting right beside you now soothing you.” The words came without me realizing it.
Her eyes were still focused on that same spot when she said, “No. It wouldn’t. I want you both with me. But at least I have you. I would’ve had no reason to go on if you both left. I never suffered in my life more than when you were in the ER and I stood in the hallway not knowing which one of you was gone”
The nightmare flashed up in my mind. It was so hard to believe that it had been a whole year; it seemed a lot less than that. Would it matter when I woke up and felt the pain still fresh in my heart? When passing beside her room made tears escape from my eye? When I still felt the space she left behind? My physical injuries were sealed, but my emotional were still bleeding till I wonder if I had any blood left in my heart. They say time makes you forget. It’s not time. It’s change. And I didn’t change. Nothing did. I was supposed to go on and live, but how when the only way to do that was to forget her. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. How could I ever let the shadows of hr laughter run escape my memory? Or how she covered her mouth while smiling? Or how her face glowed when somebody bought her presents? When the only thing left from her is a reminiscence living inside of me, I wouldn’t let go of her. I wouldn’t let her die again. I wouldn’t kill her.
My eyes searched the wall for her photo hanging there when a strange voice rang in my ears. Laughter. I was laughing. Mum’s gaze followed my own and her face was baffled when she saw the object of my amusement.
“Oh…….she was…..happy…. we ….were….happy….and now…..she’s not……..we …are…not. We…..are……crying…..Look …..at us……..we are a ..mess!”
I had a lot of time to wonder if I’d lost it. Now, I watched as laughter hurt my mouth and tears burnt my cheek. Our cheeks.
It lingers somewhere in my heart. My heart beats. Blood runs in my veins. And now it's running in my blood. It's all over my body. I can feel it constructing its shield over my existence to block any other feeling but itself. The shield has holes created and widened by time. In a couple of hours I'll be back to my old self again. But I can't take it. It's torturing me.
It all started with a thought, popping up in my mind. This thought overpowered my heart and created the feeling torturing me now . It always happens at the wrong times.
Amidst the crowds, I feel lonely.
During the few moments of happiness, I hold back my tears.
And now, though my lungs breathe still, I'm suffocating.
I lose things all the time. I stare at objects for hours and when I'm recalled to this world, I find myself having no remembrance of the thing I was staring at. People call this thoughtlessness, but I call it thoughtfulness. This is what thoughts do to me; they detach my mind from the rest of my body for it's too small to allow them all in. They leave me, body here, and mind elsewhere.
Time and place no longer matter.
I always though it would be nice for me to have an on and off button for my mind, to control the thoughts that possess every single cell in my body. But, would I take it?
I hate silence. I hate having the ticking of the clock as the only sound in the room. I always have music in the background. But if the loudest of all voices was silenced, would I take it?
Thoughts,
Life with you is torture
Life without you is death.
I stood there against the mightiest storm
I'd known how to find myself a shelter
A thousand times I felt my soul torn
But never once did I surrender
I was always a hard stone
And owned a heart even stronger
But now I don't know what happened to me
I feel so weak when you are around
I'm restrained so set me free
I don't how to burst your bound
Speechless I am when your eyes meet mine
I'm even timider when you speak
None of a word I can find
It's only your love I seek
And when I see you with her
To my heart, a thousand knives are driven
I want to be there
With you, faraway in heaven
If only you knew
What lies in my heart so deep
The torture I've been through
Or felt the tears I always weep
If only you could feel
How much my love for you is great
How much I want you to be near
And hear what by words can never be said
I wish I could stop the time
This moment we are together
Just forget the world
And let my love last forever
All the roads in my way overlapped to form a big circle. No beginning. No end. I'm left with no map to guide me to the right path. I'm only supposed to walk till one day I find answers. Questions have been torturing me and I cannot control them. It's like trying to get a grip on a swarm of bees. I must find the answers. I must. I don't want to waste all my life searching. I don't want to spend all my time walking. I want to sit. I want to have a break.
I built the walls not the bridges and I'm left with only regret as my companion. I tried to climb the walls but they are too high. I brought a shovel and started digging a hole but it's dark underground and I'm afraid of getting lost, lost more than I am already. Now I'm ready to create a window for my cage, hoping that maybe one day I'll find the key to the door. Or maybe I'll be found. Maybe my savior will find it for me. But I can't wait. What if he never makes it
Oh, you are the answer to my questions. You are the key that will let me out. Dreams, guide my way. But first I must believe. I must follow the flickering star in my dark sky that will never delude me. I promise I'll follow, only when it appears.
I slammed the door of my car impatiently after being stuck in a traffic jam that held me back a whole fifteen minutes, & someone like me, could only cherish every second. Hundreds of questions kept on rambling in my mind, "What I'm doing, is it right thing?" "Should I just get back in the car and drive away?" "Why did I even answer the phone when she called?" I silenced all the voices in my head, if there was anything I was sure of, it would be that it was either now or never.
With every step I took forward, my heartbeats accelerated, till I saw her vaguely from a distance, they completely stopped. She was sitting on a bench, wearing a sweater that matched her chocolate brown hair, hugging her soft skin. Her eyes wandered everywhere but I could tell she couldn't see a thing. Her arms wrapped around her body tightly, she was cold and wanted to feel warm, she was insecure and wanted to feel safe, she was confused and wanted to be sure, and I wished to be able to give her all that.
'Here, take it", I said while holding my coat for her to wear. She was suddenly aware of my presence and looked at me with her wide innocent eyes that I always failed to resist.
She grinned and said "Thanks"
Before I had a chance to apologize for being late, she said while wearing my coat, in a still happy voice "I'm glad you came"
After I had adjusted myself beside her I said "You're glad I came, why, did you think I wouldn't?" I knew that right then I was echoing my own thoughts rather than hers.
"I don't know, but you've been behaving weirdly for a while"
"So, why did you want to meet me?' I said, wanting to change the subject.
"I'm traveling next week to
I tried to hide the sheer pain in my heart, tried to repress it so that it wouldn't appear on my face and betray my emotions, so that I wouldn’t lose control over myself and do what she wished.
"So, you want a drive to the airport?" I said coolly
The smile on her lips froze, she looked at me with wet eyes and a face utterly amazed.
"What" She said incredulously.
I couldn't answer her.
"Don't you have any feelings? Don't you care for me? What have I done to you to torture me like this?"
She looked like a child trying to convince his parents to buy him his favorite toy; it was only much harder, much more complicated. I didn’t know what her eyes had done to me, like I was spellbound, without even thinking about it, I moved my hands to wipe the tears streaming down her flushed cheeks. Her eyes met mine, I held her gaze for an immeasurable moment, and all I wanted to do was to be with her.
"I have to go now". I said still incapable of taking my eyes off hers.
She held my hand and said in a low, but certain voice "Don't leave me…..I'm in love with you"
Breathing was composed of two main processes, inhaling and exhaling, simple as it was, I forgot how to do it. A fierce shudder ran through my body starting from my hand, I didn't know if that was the reason, but I froze in my place, completely incapable of moving.
What should I do now, should I tell her how I want nothing out of this life more than spending my everyday with her? Should I ask her to marry me now because I didn't know how many days were left for me in this life? But no, I want her to hate me, she had to hate me. Her heart was so fragile, so tender, that knowing that my end was close, would break it in to a million pieces and the thought of me being the reason of her suffering was unendurable.
I whispered in her ears in a broken voice "Don't cry, hold on"
"So you are leaving now?", she said in a low voice, almost a whisper.
"Yes"
"Why?"
"There are things that better be left unknown"
A faint smile was drawn upon her quivering lips, it was the sort of smile that was meant to hide pain, I know it very well.
"Is, it a goodbye then?" she said, while the smile lingered on her lips and her eyes struggled to hold back tears. She emphasized on 'goodbye', as though not believing it.
"Yes"
Her eyes parted from mine and turned to my coat. 'Won't you take it?"
"No, you can keep the coat"
I love writing. Why? I've got no idea.
When the Romans used Cupid to symbolize love, they wanted to convey a message. The wanted to tell us that this is what Love is, a child throwing his arrows recklessly on hearts, without ever stopping to ask himself "Why" or "When" or "How". It's beyond reason.
When you love something for particular reasons, you are connecting two pieces of cloth with strings. The strings are cut one after another by the effect of time. The bond is weakening. The bond no longer exists. But when you love something for no reason at all, the two pieces are overlapped. They are one piece. And can you ever separate something from its own self?
I am writing and writing is me
I'm in a car, driving at full speed, not knowing where to go, but I'm going away.
That's good enough for me now.
You can call me a coward if you want, I'll simply not care.
Your giggles filled the room.
I wished I could be happy too.
But I couldn't.
Not when I looked through your pretenses.
Not when I heard the moan disguised in your laughter.
To see you I used my heart, not my eyes.
And I saw that you'd been in pain.
Some wounds just cut you so deep, that when the scar is no longer there, you are still internally bleeding.
Our hearts are connected with strings that no matter the distance will never be weakened.
So stop bleeding.
I am bleeding too.
And I can't run away.
Mistaken is he who thinks that a prison is a place where prisoners go; prisons comes in all shapes and types but the hardest of them all is when you happen to be the prison and the prisoner. If you are locked up in a room, you will scream, you will shout, you will try to break the door, but when you are trapped inside yourself, what will you do? Nothing, absolutely nothing.
You are helpless.
When I find a trouble with seemingly no way out, I whisper to myself "Everything is gonna be alright. Remember when you were going through an even worse situation and it turned out just fine?" But then again, is that what life destined to be? A big prison that everyday you break the walls of one cell only to enter another? Maybe. And maybe not
Yes, I'm imprisoned, but sometimes I runaway. As the pain cuts deeper through my heart i let my thoughts slip to surreality, where I can be whoever I wanna be whenever i want that to be. It's easy, but my punishment when I get back is nothing like that. I've seen myself as a thousand other people that it feels strange looking at the mirror to see myself.And then I ask, is that who I want to be? Myself. Like I had a choice! But if i had, what would it be? Who would it be? The reflection in the mirror, or the glossy pictures in my fancies? A hard question, but I already know the answer. I'd choose myself. It's not a matter of preference as much as it is a matter of security. I know my life, but I don't know those thousand others. I have faith that God chose the best for me, but I don't have faith in my, unlike reality, perfect fancies. It still hurts, though, having to compare my real life to the surreal one. You'd tell me to completely abandon the latter and stick to the former, but i can't. It's too late.
Surreality is part of my reality.
