You Can Keep the Coat

I slammed the door of my car impatiently after being stuck in a traffic jam that held me back a whole fifteen minutes, & someone like me, could only cherish every second. Hundreds of questions kept on rambling in my mind, "What I'm doing, is it right thing?" "Should I just get back in the car and drive away?" "Why did I even answer the phone when she called?" I silenced all the voices in my head, if there was anything I was sure of, it would be that it was either now or never.

With every step I took forward, my heartbeats accelerated, till I saw her vaguely from a distance, they completely stopped. She was sitting on a bench, wearing a sweater that matched her chocolate brown hair, hugging her soft skin. Her eyes wandered everywhere but I could tell she couldn't see a thing. Her arms wrapped around her body tightly, she was cold and wanted to feel warm, she was insecure and wanted to feel safe, she was confused and wanted to be sure, and I wished to be able to give her all that.

'Here, take it", I said while holding my coat for her to wear. She was suddenly aware of my presence and looked at me with her wide innocent eyes that I always failed to resist.

She grinned and said "Thanks"

Before I had a chance to apologize for being late, she said while wearing my coat, in a still happy voice "I'm glad you came"

After I had adjusted myself beside her I said "You're glad I came, why, did you think I wouldn't?" I knew that right then I was echoing my own thoughts rather than hers.

"I don't know, but you've been behaving weirdly for a while"

"So, why did you want to meet me?' I said, wanting to change the subject.

"I'm traveling next week to France and I'm staying there for six months". Her eyes flickered and moved away from mine. She tried her best to hide a smile dancing on the edges of her lips, but I could still see it. She was not happy because she was traveling, she was happy because what she thought how that would influence me. She knew very well that I couldn't endure a day without her, never mind half a year. She was now waiting for me to jump out of my seat, take her by the hand and admit my love for her, and she would call off the flight and cancel everything. She was that much in love with me.

I tried to hide the sheer pain in my heart, tried to repress it so that it wouldn't appear on my face and betray my emotions, so that I wouldn’t lose control over myself and do what she wished.

"So, you want a drive to the airport?" I said coolly

The smile on her lips froze, she looked at me with wet eyes and a face utterly amazed.

"What" She said incredulously.

I couldn't answer her.

"Don't you have any feelings? Don't you care for me? What have I done to you to torture me like this?"

She looked like a child trying to convince his parents to buy him his favorite toy; it was only much harder, much more complicated. I didn’t know what her eyes had done to me, like I was spellbound, without even thinking about it, I moved my hands to wipe the tears streaming down her flushed cheeks. Her eyes met mine, I held her gaze for an immeasurable moment, and all I wanted to do was to be with her.

"I have to go now". I said still incapable of taking my eyes off hers.

She held my hand and said in a low, but certain voice "Don't leave me…..I'm in love with you"

Breathing was composed of two main processes, inhaling and exhaling, simple as it was, I forgot how to do it. A fierce shudder ran through my body starting from my hand, I didn't know if that was the reason, but I froze in my place, completely incapable of moving.

What should I do now, should I tell her how I want nothing out of this life more than spending my everyday with her? Should I ask her to marry me now because I didn't know how many days were left for me in this life? But no, I want her to hate me, she had to hate me. Her heart was so fragile, so tender, that knowing that my end was close, would break it in to a million pieces and the thought of me being the reason of her suffering was unendurable.

I whispered in her ears in a broken voice "Don't cry, hold on"

"So you are leaving now?", she said in a low voice, almost a whisper.

"Yes"

"Why?"

"There are things that better be left unknown"

A faint smile was drawn upon her quivering lips, it was the sort of smile that was meant to hide pain, I know it very well.

"Is, it a goodbye then?" she said, while the smile lingered on her lips and her eyes struggled to hold back tears. She emphasized on 'goodbye', as though not believing it.

"Yes"

Her eyes parted from mine and turned to my coat. 'Won't you take it?"

"No, you can keep the coat"

Love Beyond Reasons

I love writing. Why? I've got no idea.

When the Romans used Cupid to symbolize love, they wanted to convey a message. The wanted to tell us that this is what Love is, a child throwing his arrows recklessly on hearts, without ever stopping to ask himself  "Why" or "When" or "How". It's beyond reason.

When you love something for particular reasons, you are connecting two pieces of cloth with strings. The strings are cut one after another by the effect of time. The bond is weakening. The bond no longer exists. But when you love something for no reason at all, the two pieces are overlapped. They are one piece. And can you ever separate something from its own self?

  I am writing and writing is me

Strings

I'm in a car, driving at full speed, not knowing where to go, but I'm going away. 

That's good enough for me now.

You can call me a coward if you want, I'll simply not care.

Your giggles filled the room.

I wished I could be happy too.

But I couldn't.

Not when I looked through your pretenses.

Not when I heard the moan disguised in your laughter.

To see you I used my heart, not my eyes.

And I saw that you'd been in pain.

 

Some wounds just cut you so deep, that when the scar is no longer there, you are still internally bleeding.

 

Our hearts are connected with strings that no matter the distance will never be weakened.

 

So stop bleeding.

I am bleeding too.

And I can't run away.

 

Paths

Mistaken is he who thinks that a prison is a place where prisoners go; prisons comes in all shapes and types but the hardest of them all is when you happen to be the prison and the prisoner. If you are locked up in a room, you will scream, you will shout, you will try to break the door, but when you are trapped inside yourself, what will you do? Nothing, absolutely nothing. 

You are helpless.

 

When I find a trouble with seemingly no way out, I whisper to myself "Everything is gonna be alright. Remember when you were going through an even worse situation and it turned out just fine?" But then again, is that what life destined to be? A big prison that everyday you break the walls of  one cell only to enter another? Maybe. And maybe not

 

Yes, I'm imprisoned, but sometimes I runaway. As the pain cuts deeper through my heart i let my thoughts slip to surreality, where I can be whoever I wanna be whenever i want that to be. It's easy, but my punishment when I get back is nothing like that. I've seen myself as a thousand other people that it feels strange looking at the mirror to see myself.And then I ask, is that who I want to be? Myself. Like I had a choice! But if i had, what would it be? Who would  it be? The reflection in the mirror, or the glossy pictures in my fancies? A hard question, but I already know the answer. I'd choose myself. It's not a matter of preference as much as it is a matter of security. I know my life, but I don't know those thousand others. I have faith that God chose the best for me, but I don't have faith in my, unlike reality, perfect fancies. It still hurts, though, having to compare my real life to the surreal one. You'd tell me to completely abandon the latter and stick to the former, but i can't. It's too late.

Surreality is part of my reality.

 

Ghost of the Dawn

I don't wanna go and waste my time fighting in a losing battle. I know that the language of feelings can never be interpreted or translated, so why am I trying  so hard to put into words?  it's just so overwhelming, so beautiful that I find myself tongue-tied. I'll simply go, close my eyes and hold on to it for as long as possible. I'll store it somewhere in my heart where what it remains, a mere memory. A memory that is a pale version of a colorful drawing, but at least it will be easier for me to get a grip on it. Not the opposite.

Memories....they are my greatest pleasures, my greatest sufferings. Sometimes, I find my legs running as fast as my energy allows, escaping the pain of a memory that its wound has yet to heal. Sometimes, they pass before my eyes like flashes of light. But a bullet can be fast as well. Sometimes, I'm the one who chases them, with the wish of having the ability of turning be the hands of time in my heart.

One day, I'll be a memory too.

I'll sure be remembered for a while. But for how long?  A year, two? Will my memory, the only remaining part of me, be lost in the mists of time? Will i be like the moon in the dawn? So radiate and beautiful in its night hours and then the sun shines and it becomes a mere ghost of what it once was. Will I be a ghost? Or worse, will I be forgotten? 

 

New Eyes

P.S. This article was originally written for a magazine, but to me it's more than that, it's the way i  see life

 A truth no one shall ever deny is that problems are something nobody is immune against. The one thing that may differ from a person to another is the way he deals with them. Some may cry their hearts out, sitting in a dark corner and filling their heads with remorse and regret for what's already gone, completely neglecting the fact that we can never turn back the hands of time to set  things right. Some are very practical so they go on endeavoring to fix what can be fixed, and others just run away from their problems by avoiding thinking of them.

 

In those three cases we do experience the bitterness of sorrow and grief though the intensity may differ, yet we all experience them. If we look for the reason why, we will find it's in ourselves. We either make ourselves happy or miserable; the amount of the work is the same. So here we could identify the problem and found the cause the only thing missing is the solution.

 

We must look at things with new eyes and see beyond what's visible. To make what I mean clear let's have an example. Suppose you are the most popular girl/boy at school, you have tons of friends whom you love and care for the most and then, out of the blue you find yourself obliged to move to a new school in a new town and lose all your friends, what would be your reaction? I am quite sure that even in your imagination you find yourself angry, outraged and completely furious. Now let's take a look at your life in school has the moving decision never been taken.  It's the beginning of the year, as usual all the eyes are directed towards you, you are still so popular and still so loved.  but then a much more charismatic girl/boy comes to your school and you find yourself completely abandoned by those whom you once thought were your best friends. Moreover, as a former popular kid the new one who has taken your place does his best trying to make you hated by everyone as to destroy every possible chance that  you might gain your place again. Having to go to school would be a nightmare that you have to go through every single day to that you wish from the bottom of your heart you could move to a new school!

 

What you saw as a curse one day now turned out to be the best thing. In the first case you are confronted with the change with out knowing what is to happen to you if you stay, thus you feel that it's a very bad decision as you think that happiness you have now is ever lasting. That is because you always look at things which lie right in front of you. You bear this inner belief that what you don't have is always the best but As a matter of fact what God chooses really is the best. His wisdom is not to be understood by any of us ignorant human beings for it's way too hard for any mind to conceive. The only one thing that we can do is to have absolute faith in that and look at things with brand new eyes. Don't see what you face of troubles in your life as enemies that to hinder you from achieving what you want, they aim, but see them as disguised gifts. I have a certain belief that on first born we are like pieces of iron found in nature with no definite shape. It's what we go through from hard experiences that   form us and make us the people we are. As they say: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.   

                                                                                           

                                                                            

 

                                                                                            

 

 

  

 

My very first award!

Ok, so today I was checking my blog and I found out that I'd won an award! What made quite special that this was my very first award and i would like to thank God for it.

Now i'm supposed to nominate seven other bloggers. The choice was not hard, I already had them in mind

#1-And My Reflection Troubles Me

I've been reading this blog long before I started blogging myself and all I can say is that it's truly beautiful.

#2-Loud Silence

The first time I checked this blog, I was literally mesmerized. The poems are so deep and touching.

#3-Double Trouble

I really like the blogs where the daily life of people is told, they are not my favorites though. This blog is one of the few exceptions. Maia and Lara are the sweetest girls I've ever seen!

4#-Just another very personal blog...

An Egyptian rebellion exposed!

5#-Expression of the mind

I really believe that so much effort is put into this blog.

6#I Only Echo

The style is amazing!!

7#I Wrote This For You

I'm pretty sure this is like the millionth award for this blog to win, but I just couldn't help it, I really love it!!

That's it! Congratulations everybody! Now you should copy the award to your blog and nominate seven other bloggers.

Special thanks to Lauren for giving me this awesome award and for my favorite follower  Nahla for her comments and continuous encouragement, I really appreciate it.

A Lullaby

I have every reason to be angry, and yet, no reason at all. On recollecting the events of the day, there hardly seems to be anything that could provoke me, which makes me have second thoughts about the power of one thought when it resolves on taking over a mind.

Reality is always harsh. It's always cruel that at times, I feel as though I'm suffocating, as though I'm locked up in a room and no matter how hard I search, I'll not find the way out. The room has no doors. My body gives in. My head doesn't. It keeps on praying for a miracle, for a prince-charming to break the spell, or for a fairy before the clock strikes twelve. Nothing of that happens, and yet I dream.

Dreams are harmless, I always thought. But when you look back to find a million sandcastles the winds had blown, it hurts. Isn't that funny, I got so many big, big dreams, and have absolute faith in myself and when it comes to something almost everybody has, something as simple as the sense of belonging, I am helpless.

I always felt misplaced, a lost moon, hoping to be in the right way to its planet, fearing that it's always  been there and never realized that. I am in a state of denial. 

When I look at a house, a building where people live is not what I see. I see hands putting brick over the other, I see sand put in machines to create the bricks, and I see legs walking over the sand. Maybe these legs are the very same legs walking inside the house right now. Maybe places and people have always had a connection without ever knowing it.

I love thinking where everything begins, connecting irrelevant things to reach the same result, guessing what connection I may have with the person in front of me. Somewhere between the day i first opened my eyes to life and this moment, I became me. It's impossible to trace the change, impossible to know where it first began. I compare myself to a photo taken of the 9 year-old me, the childish innocence no longer exists in my eyes, my face got an edge, and the tiny freckles on my nose linger still in their place. How come i never noticed that before?

Yes, there are things in this life that you can't explain. Like the change you can never trace even though it happens before your eyes, or the baby who only sleeps when a lullaby is sung in his ears. A lullaby that is too hard for his mind to understand. But just like you and I, this baby has a heart that became well aware of feelings the moment it started beating. Maybe life is as simple as a lullaby and I'm the one making it complicated. Maybe I should turn a deaf ear to the world, close my eyes, and open my heart. Maybe I should stop thinking. But I can't. I know I can't. Thoughts to me are like an addiction. Even though I know how much they can hurt me, I'm not willing to give them up.

 

Wings of the Butterfly

I want to shut my ears to all the voices, except for one, the voice of insanity, because to me, right now, sanity doesn't make any kinda sense.

I trace the white spots splattered on the plain blue background. They can be horses,hearts,dragons,lovers, but at the end they are all clouds. I want to know how they feel, i always imagined them like cotton candy, perhaps because they look alike.

I wanna decode the mystery of me, I always wanted to do so, but whenever I try, I find myself drowning in an ocean with no bottom, and every time I think I found a shore, I sink even more. Isn't that ironic, with your eyes you can see everybody, but it takes another pair of eyes to see you.

How I wish to see myself! I want to have a third invisible eye maybe. Not just that, I want to be a mind-reader, but I can't, I know I can't. These are not the only things I'll never be able to do, there's another dozen.

For one day I want to be under somebody's skin, see the world through his eyes, hear it through his ears, and feel it through his heart. Will it be the same? Perhaps my vision will be altered, maybe each and every one of us sees different colors, yet we all think we are the same. I guess I'll never know.

When I walk in the street, I pass tens and tens of people by; to me they are just passers by, as I am to them. Beyond all that, they are....... they have, stories of joy and misery, of happiness and pain, like me. I want to learn their stories; I want to see through them.

I want my life to have theme songs that fit every situation. It'll make it feel more like a movie. i want my life to be a movie, but it'll not do it justice. How are fourteen years gonna be shrunk to two hours?!

Oh, now i know what I am. I'm not an ocean. I have hundreds of beautiful, shiny colors spread all over me, but when someone gets closer to touch them, I fly away, nobody must know how fragile I can be. I am the wings of the butterfly.

 Misguided Ghosts by Paramore

i'm going away for a while 
But I'll be back, don't try and follow me 
'cause I'll return as soon as possible 
See I'm trying to find my place 
But it might not be here where I feel safe 
We all learn to make mistakes 

And run 
From them, from them 
With no direction 
We'll run from them, from them 
With no conviction 

Cause I'm just one of those ghosts 
Traveling endlessly 
Don't need no road 
In fact they follow me 
And we just go in circles 

But now I'm told that this is life 
And pain is just a simple compromise 
So we can get what we want out of it 

Would someone care to classify, 
A broken hearts and twisted minds 
So I can find someone to rely on 

And run 
To them, to them 
Full speed ahead 
Oh you are not 
Useless 
We are just 

Misguided ghosts 
Traveling endlessly 
The ones we trusted the most 
Pushed us far away 
And there's no one road 
And we should not be the same 
But I'm just a ghost 
And still they echo me 

They echo me in circles